"Forgiveness"

Anne of South Carolina writes:

"Why is it harder to forgive those we love than those we do not? Why, once our inability to forgive makes us stop loving, do we then forgive (and sometimes forget) what they did? And why, in unloving and forgiving, do we re-love, despite the hurt that comes back?"

Anne was one of my best friends in college. We were so different. Where I was inexperienced and shy, Anne was knowledgeable and brazen. Where I took everything literally, Anne found ways to poke fun. Anne taught me something about indulging in whims and being unapologetically passionate. I often wondered what she was doing hanging out with a girl like me, but don't be mistaken - we were best friends.

Unfortunately, our friendship eventually fell apart over a few events in which I felt Anne had made the wrong choices at the expense of me and our friendship. Of course Anne apologized, profusely, and there was a time when we seemed to make amends. But it eventually became clear that I had never truly forgiven Anne, and it got in the way of our friendship. We eventually drifted apart once I moved to New York City, and we didn't talk for years....until Facebook reconnected us. 

I can't be sure if Anne submitted this topic with our falling out in mind. The funny thing is, although we've been back in touch again through Facebook, we have never broached the topic of our falling out and how we feel about it now, seven years on. When she submitted this topic, I actually had no intention of talking about Anne and me, but as I'm coming to learn, these posts have a funny way of becoming whatever it is they want to become.

So, to answer your questions, Anne, I can only tell you why I could not forgive you...and how I finally learnt to let it all go.

Seven years ago, I was so mystified as to how you could do something that would have such hurtful effects on the lives of those around you. With the wisdom I'm slowly accumulating in my old age, however, I see now that the decisions you made were never malicious. I don't think anyone ever wants to hurt others by the actions we take. We grow up and have new experiences, and if we were all being honest, we would all admit that sometimes we feel compelled to do things that we thought we'd never do. Sometimes life draws you a certain way and even if you know that what you are doing may make another person unhappy, you still go through with it because it feels essential to your happiness.

One could argue that this is simply selfishness; I dunno, maybe it is. But I do know that we all must live our lives the way we are pulled, and we do the best we can, and sometimes we make mistakes, and people get hurt. 

But seven years ago, all I could think was, "How could someone I loved and trusted do this to me?" Unlike harm done to me by a stranger, this one hurt like hell because I had let you in so close. Try as I might, I couldn't find it in myself to forgive and forget, and so our friendship died, but I don't think it was because I stopped loving. Deep down, I still loved you, and that's why I still hurt. I still loved you, and that's why I was so angry for so long. Time and space helped heal those wounds...but they didn't help me to forgive. In the end, forgiveness came with experience. 

You see, these last seven years, I have found myself making some of the same decisions that you made back then...some of the same mistakes that other friends have made as well, friends that I was also unable to forgive. But unlike what I did to you and them, the friends still surrounding me have found it in themselves to forgive me for my mistakes. To me, that is amazing, it is humbling...and it also makes me very ashamed.

The way I see it, I have done nothing to deserve such forgiveness because I have failed to extend the same compassion. But having been granted such mercy, I have learned that everyone is worthy of a second chance. 

Good people make mistakes. No one is perfect. I have learned that forgiveness is about trusting that the good you saw in someone is still there. It's about remembering that if we judge each other by our worst decisions, we are forever blinded to the best in others. 

Some of my most precious memories from college involve you, Anne. I follow your goings-on on Facebook, and I see that you are still the same spirit that I chose as one of my best friends in life. It's taken me years and years to learn to forgive, Anne, but quite frankly, I'm relieved to do it. Tonight, I am wishing you the very best 2010.

Comments

[Monserrat Andujar]

SO raw and honest. thank you to both A's for the thoughtful share. "letting go" is always so liberating. Happy 2010
Monserrat