"VPL"

We are talking today, of course, about Visible Panty Lines, those lumpy little lines that delineate the exact shape and placement of your undies for all the world to see.  You say you're wearing granny panties today? Yeah, I can see that, but thanks for sharing anyway. 

Most women deal with VPL every morning when getting dressed. Every day's outfit requires careful planning of proper undergarments to ensure that the outerwear is not eclipsed by the underwear. It's an exhausting practice and sometimes you just don't have the time to care...and that's the day you accidentally wear bright pink panties under white pants and you wonder why everyone keeps looking at you "down there."

Of course, you can always just go without underwear all together, although you expose yourself (no pun intended) to the risk of SAGF (Shameful Accidental Genital Flashing), not to mention it can get a bit drafty. These occupational hazards aside, there is sometimes no getting around going commando to combat VPL, especially when wearing a form-fitting dress. This is thanks to what I like to call "a negative BTPR" (Body-To-Panty Relationship). Let me explain.

I am not toned or particularly hard of body. I am soft, all over, but especially in my curvaceous bits. The result of this has been a lifelong battle against elastics.

You see, most undergarments are made with elastic bands - the contraction of the elastic is what keeps the underwear physically on your body. Now, if I had a body like a Victoria's Secret model, that contraction would probably not be such a big deal - my rock hard (or perhaps just skeletal) body would not give an inch when that elastic starts to contract. The outline of my hips would remain a smooth, unbroken curve, and would look pretty damn good in a dress! 

Well, I am not a Victoria's Secret model. When I put my underwear on, the elastic squeezes my flesh, creating a silhouette that is lumpy and bumpy. And so, when I put on a form fitting dress, it's not so much the panty lines that you are seeing - it's my mushy bum being squeezed by my skivvies.

I know I am not alone in this predicament because major lingerie companies, including Victoria's Secret, have created underwear meant to combat this problem. Thus exists "seamless" and "invisible" panties, underwear made of thin, soft material that lacks that severe elastic that cuts into your flesh. Well, I've tried these panties. They don't work. No matter how thin the material, or how forgiving the elastic, those panties still hug my body in all the wrong ways and because I don't have a butt that you can bounce quarters off of, I always end up with that lumpy bumpy look. I guess I could always just wear underwear about two sizes too big for me, but then I'd end up with baggy undies bunching up under my dress. I'm no fashion expert, but something tells me that that would be no better.

As you can see, I do not have a good BTPR. It's the elastic that is the rub, and if you're like me, it don't matter if it's granny panties or g-strings that you are wearing under that dress - that pair of panties will find a way to squeeze your tissue most unbecomingly, giving you a bad case of VPL and threatening to ruin your entire night. What's a girl to do.

Where a woman wears panties, there will always be panty lines.  I think we're just going to have to accept a sobering rule of thumb here: Sometimes, just sometimes, clothing and panties simply do not mix. SAGF be damned -  Tonight, I'm going commando.

Thank you to Kelly Reid of Brooklyn, New York, for this topic.

**Author's note: There are a few words in the English lexicon that make me decidedly uncomfortable and pink in the cheek. "Panties" is one of them. I hate this word and I'm not the only one who feels that way. For a hilarious article about the use of "panties" as a word, read THIS. You men out there should pay particular attention to the last two sentences of Paragraph 2. 

Comments

[melissa]

I have this problem daily- mostly because, as one of my colleagues pointed out to me, I have "no ass coverage" options built into my uniform. All this means, really, is that I wear form-fitting polyester pants, with a tuck-in shirt, which I'm sure makes a rather entertaining picture for all of my students when I turn to write on the board. If I ever wanted to know about all of my daily VPL issues, I'm sure I could just ask them...

And on some days, I'm sorry- but if the granny panty option is the only clean one I have going, on they go.

[Anna Swanson]

HAHAHA, Melissa! I love how you embrace inevitable VPL! Go Granny Panties! :)

[Zeb]

I had no idea that girls didn't like the word panties! Is chones a suitable substitution?

[Anna Swanson]

Acceptable.

[Lora]

Ick, I can't even TYPE the word, I hate it so much :)